Happy Ass-Whipping

Published: December 30, 2019

As the holidays slide past along with the change of seasons, it is natural to consider the past, present, and future, as so much of the cultural importance of this time of year is about birth, death, and renewal.

It’s also about gifts and giving.

Here is the list of gifts I’m openly requesting from the franchise. Ms. Gayle, Mr. Lauscha, Mr. Griffin all seem like wonderful people who would love to get me . . . a loyal fan, supporter, and neighbor . . . something special. But what to get a fella like me? I’m a tough buy, so let me help you help me.

I’m trying to keep these realistic, aligned with team goals, and fun. I’m also asking for three things. No wishing for more wishes, no tricks. Someone else can get all the other wonderful things the franchise can offer. Those are the ground rules.

  • A statement victory. An Ass-Whipping. Sure, it’s nice to have some game where the team finds itself on the ropes, hangs in there, and grinds out a win with the blah blah blah. That’s fine, but let someone else get that. I want a fairy tale of comedic virtual violence. I want a carnival of dunks. I want the NO-Trotters. You want this, too, right? At least Griff, huh?
    • Bonus points if it’s on one of my hate teams this season: I hate the Mavericks, the Suns, the Trail Blazers, the Celtics, the Nuggets.
      • Honorable Mention: The Lakers.
    • Bonus points: Do it in New Orleans.
    • FYI: this is what I want the most.
  • *winkwink* Extend Ingram. I wrote about the pluses for each side of getting an extension done before the season at slightly less than the max. Similar deals were struck across the NBA of the flavor I cooked up, but it did not happen here, as it was less likely to happen than it was not to happen. Now, as Ingram will be a restricted free agent, provided the Pelicans give him a Qualifying Offer, the Pelicans will be able to sign him to a deal the market dictates. This path will net him a 4y year deal, maybe with an option on year 4, with 5% raises starting at the max in all likelihood. That’s fine, but testing the market is only going to hurt Ingram’s pocketbook, and he should know that. Just get the *winkwink* deal done. It will be a 3+1, 4, 4+1, or 5 year deal, which can be TBD, starting at the max, 8% raises. Get it *winkwink* announced. Get the brand capital and give people some joy.
    • Bonus Points if Ingram does the *winkwink* announcement.
    • Bonus Points if you get one of the “insiders” to leak this: “The consistent message around the league is that Brandon Ingram is happy in New Orleans and is expected to agree to a max contract with the Pelicans at the start of free agency.” Doing this around All-Star Weekend seems like the right time.
    • FYI: this is what I want second most.
  • Season Ticket Price Freeze. At a minimum, the renewal prices should be the same as they were this season or lower. You got a surge off the promise of Zion, but it was for the best that he not play for a good chunk of the season. Therefore, show some hospitality to your the literal faithful, at least for an early renewal period, but maybe for all buyers at all times. You’re trying to grow and deepen the fanbase. Let this help the sales take care of themselves, do the city a solid, and have more time to focus on the corporate side of things (you have work to do). If you were doing this anyway, great, I won’t consider this as a re-gift or a pre-gift.
    • Bonus: More non-ticket perks for your dual-franchise ticket holders. Give an incentive to keeping both relationships.
    • Bonus: install a more extensive buy-back or ticket trade program for the faithful.
    • FYI: this is what I want third most.

Let this article serve as an advance merci beaucoup to you all. Thanks for letting me enjoy a couple billion of your dollars ‘n’ stuff, too. That’s super swell.

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