Entire Pelicans team has elective Surgery

Published: October 15, 2015

Yes, this is old, and satire, but in light of all the injuries, I thought it might be apropos.

Following news that Grievis Vasquez (PG) had joined fellow Pelican team leaders Jason Smith (F/C) , and Eric Gordon (IR) in having surgery to prepare for the upcoming season, the rest of the team announced yesterday that they too had decided to have elective surgery this off-season.

“Solidarity.” Lance Thomas(?) said when asked why, “we need to have solidarity on this team.”

Gathered together in the locker room for the announcement, most of the rest of the team expressed their support for Lance Thomas’s statement.  We asked the franchise cornerstone just what surgery he had opted for.

“Liposuction.” Anthony Davis(C/F) said, as Xavier Henry(G), nodded his head knowingly.  “My doctor told me I have 0.8% body fat, and I was like ‘WHOA!’  I mean, I can’t have that,  I’m an athlete!  X [Henry] and I watch the Biggest Loser all the time, so we know fat is baaaaad.  What would Gillian say if she heard?”

“Or Bob!” Henry broke in.  “Bob’s the best trainer, man.  He’d be like ‘What’s going on in your head?’  So Davis’ gonna get that all cleaned up.  Soon we’ll be callin’ him Zero Percent!”

“Mmnnphhh . . .” Al-Farouq Aminu (F) added.

“I’m having reconstructive ear surgery.”  Louis Amundson(Mascot) said bashfully when we asked what surgery he had chosen.  “I always liked those movies, The Lord of the Rings?  That Legolas elf-dude was flat-out badass.  I’ve been growing my hair out like his for years now, and I’ve got these pointy-looking features.  So, given the opportunity to change something, I figured I’d make my ears long and pointy, like they do to Dobermans!”  Now animated, Amundsun leaned forward in his char.  “Legolas was amazing, man.  The way he butchered that Oliphant.  Wow.”  Crouching and miming shooting something with a bow, Amundson called out “Pew Pew Pew!!”

This, however, brought a negative reaction from Roger Mason (Old Guy) sitting in the corner. “Bows don’t go Pew Pew Pew!  They go Twang-THWACK!  How many times do I have to say it?  Dumbass!”

Though Amundson did not respond well to this, hanging his head in shame, Lance Thomas showed the leadership qualities that earns him regular praise from the rest of the team.

“Leave him alone, Mournful!” Thomas growled, putting his arm around Amundson.  Afterwards, Lance turned back to this reporter.  “That’s just Mournful Mase.  He’s not doing the surgery.  I guess when you turn 30, you get all uptight and stuff.”  At a sob from Amundson, recently 30, Thomas gave him a pat, “I didn’t mean you, Louis.  You’re like Peter Pan.  You’ll never grow up.”

Asked which surgery he was electing, Thomas smiled, “I’m gonna get me a pacemaker.  Everyone always says I play with heart, but imagine if I had a pacemaker on that bad boy.  I’d do all the little things in a BIG WAY.  I could end up 10th man on the team!”

“Maybe if that wasn’t your free throw percentage . . . “ Mournful Mase grumbled, earning him reproving looks from the rest of the team.  Clearly frustrated, he soon stomped from the locker room.

Over the rest of the interview, one by one the other players reported their elective surgeries.  Brian Roberts(Lollipop Guild Member) is going to have a beak and feathers surgically added to his face, stating “They have to keep me on the team if I actually am a Pelican, right?”   Xavier Henry elected to have all the toes amputated from his left foot in order to stop stepping on the three point line.  Terrel Harris(G) will have all the hair on his body surgically removed to make him “slip through the airstream”.   Al-Farouq Aminu will have the “Mmmphmph . . .” procedure, and Robin Lopez (Mop), citing inspiration from the comic books his brother Brook [Lopez] loves so much, will have his voicebox removed and replaced with a mechanical device that makes him sound like a robot.

“An EVIL robot.” Robin said.  “Pew Pew Pew!” responded Amundson, shooting an air-bow at him in a show of well-received team camaraderie.

An unusually subdued Austin Rivers would only state that, like Amundson, he was having his ears operated on due to “hearing some crazy s–t recently.”

When at last it came Ryan Anderson’s time to share, he puffed up his chest.  “I’m getting a Penis Reduction for all those concerned ladies out there.”  As the room erupted with catcalls and jeers, he leaned forward, his eyes a bit wild as he confessed to us in an undertone.  “My contract goes for three more years.  I have to say something.  Oh god, Three years!

When reached by phone and asked about the elective surgeries, Coach Monty Williams was silent for a time, muttered something about “needing some god-damned veterans,” and hung up.


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