The Path to #6: My Draft Lottery Day Diary
In celebration of this being the last time a Pelicans fan care this deeply about the Draft Lottery, how about we document our entire day leading up to the big event? (spoiler alert: Turns out it wasn’t big at all).
12:23am: Bedtime. I try my best to fall asleep at exactly 23 (Anthony Davis) but Draft Lottery Eve in sixth in “Most Exciting Eves” after New Year’s Eve, Season Opener Eve, X-mas Eve, Eve, Eve(n) Flow, so it’s not that easy.
10:30am: Wake up feeling like however many hours I slept is going to be the pick we end up getting. Panic sets in because how did I sleep for ten straight hours and also how are we getting the tenth pick. What a nightmare.
11:15am: How many times can I press “replay lottery” on Chad Ford’s toy website? Whatever it is, multiply it times ten and that’s how many times I did it last year. Multiply that times fifty and that’s how many times Charlotte Bobnets fans are going to be doing it for the next three years.
12:45pm: Man walking by my house has a flatop. We’re ending up with Nerlens Noel, I know it.
1:19pm: My old friend Trey Martino clicks the like button on something I said on Facebook. We’re ending up with Trey Burke. It’s a sign.
1:48pm: Someone asks me what my favorite steak is and I say “I don’t know, I guess a porterhouse”. Not even realizing what I’ve done. We’re ending up with Otto Porter.
2:55pm: Rewatch my 2010 NBA Draft Lottery “shrine” Youtube video. It’s terrible and produced terrible results. Decide against making a shrine for tonight.
4:20pm: Len’s “Steal my Sunshine” comes on the radio and then again on my iPod shuffle. We’re ending up with Alex Len. Also, why is Len’s “Steal my Sunshine” on my iPod shuffle.
6:45pm: On NBA Countdown, Kevin Love explains how he has a Ricky Rubio action figure for good luck but fails to mention how he can’t wait to demand a trade out of Minnesota.
7:00pm: David Stern is being interviewed about his final NBA Draft Lottery. He’s asked what he thinks are the “biggest marks” of his career. Clearly it’s saving New Orleans. Mark my words – we’re throwing a David Stern Appreciation Party at All-Star Weekend 2014. Will he show up? I don’t know. Will we hire a David Stern look-a-like regardless? Probably.
7:09pm: Heading over to Tracey’s for the Bourbon Street Shots party. I see Jake Madison and Mason Ginsberg first and they are surrounded by models and are wearing big shiny jewelry. I’m assuming the Range Rover parked out front taking up multiple parking spaces (in a badass way, not a dickhead way) belongs to one of them.
7:12pm: Since when did they allow college players to this thing? Our boy Anthony Davis is surrounded by these young pups, being the life of the party. They’re probably all like “Anthony, what is it like to be playing for a team with a name that actually makes sense? Pelicans is perfect for a New Orleans sports team.” I feel you, rookies.
7:14pm: Everyone has hot wing sauce on their hands and face. I still shake hands because that’s the way I operate. Also, I choose this column to let everyone know about the red disaster on all of their faces as opposed to speaking up when they can look me in the eyes. Some of you probably still have sauce on your face.
7:30pm: Here we go! Draft Lottery is starting! Wait, nevermind.
7:34pm: Bennett is being interviewed and behind him are giant ping pong balls with NBA team logos on them. Logos included are: Bulls, Nets, Nuggets, Warriors and Rockets, none of whom are in the lottery. When the camera pans you see Pacers, Lakers, Clippers, Grizzlies. The world wants to see more of that sweet fierce bird, ESPN! Give it to them!
7:38pm: Hasn’t started yet. But I bet it will in a minute!
7:40pm: Bill Simmons and Jalen Rose release their Top 5 Karma Lottery Power Rankings. Here’s my Top 5 Bizarro World Power Rankings:
5. Charlotte Hornets
4. Seattle Supersonics and/or Sacramento Kings
3. New Orleans Hornets
2. Charlotte Bobcats
1. New Orleans Pelicans
7:45pm: About to start, I guess? Oh, no, not yet.
7:46pm: Interview with Monty! Goes out of his way to mention Austin Rivers. #25 probably isn’t going anywhere, kids. Let’s all work on being cool with that.
7:47pm: Pat Williams from the Orlando Magic says he’s “determined” to win the Lottery for the fourth time. Someone should tell him he can’t really do anything about that.
7:50pm: It’s over already? Hmmm. #6. Mixed feelings. Fair enough. Here’s the not so exciting at all video of the reveal:
(Imagine how cool this would be had we moved up? Just look back at 2012 if you get sad)
7:51pm: That was the sound of thousands of hearts dropping in North Carolina. I feel worse for Charlotte fans than I do for us.
8:10pm: Head to Harrah’s Casino, just like I promised myself. We bet $40 on 1, 4, 6, 9 (jersey numbers of guys we want to draft plus #6…can you guess who? Let us know in the comments). The tiny ball hit on 7. Which means whoever Sacramento picks is going to be the next Michael Jordan.
Chris Trew is a humor columnist for Bourbon Street Shots. He also performs real life comedy at The New Movement every weekend. Follow him on Twitter here. Listen to his New Orleans sports podcast Trew to the Game right here.