Love Letters to the Cellar Dwellers

Published: April 2, 2013

With only a few games left in the season, Team Tank is watching the standings closely. It’s fun to watch the Hornets play organized, energetic basketball against good teams like Denver, but it’s hard for the Lottery-obsessed to get excited about it. Regardless of which side of the fence you’re chillin’ on, here’s a love letter to fellow cellar dwellers of the NBA. Because if we go .500 the rest of the way and these guys go .000, well that’s as good as a Tank.

Dear Detroit Pistons,

Remember last Summer when you drafted Andre Drummond at #9 and then we drafted Austin Rivers at #10? Had the Tumblewolves tumbled just a tad bit more that would have been us and you would have been stuck with Meyers Leonard. Also, didn’t you win, like, 12 NBA titles in the 80’s? We lost count because you guys are that good. You also have the Red Wings and they seem like they are doing pretty well this year. Win a couple of more games so we can improve our draft position because Monty doesn’t understand how a tank works.


The New Orleans Pelicans

P.S. We just assumed the Red Wings are winning more than losing. If we’re wrong, well, you guys still have that cool octopus thing you do.


Dear Cleveland Cavaliers,

Hear us out, okay? New Orleans understands where you’re coming from. You want to get a top draft pick to add to your roster of young players and then compete for a playoff spot next year. We get it, we’re trying to do the same thing. But look, Cleveland, you drafted Tristan Thompson and Dion Waiters and what makes you think that you won’t do that kind of thing again? You’re probably going to draft Cody Zeller just because you think it would be cute. He’ll still be there at #4, he’ll still be there at #10, probably. Also, don’t you have Kyrie Irving? He is definitely the best point guard in the league.  You also have the Cleveland Indians and baseball season is coming up and that’s so exciting! Win a couple of more games so we can improve our draft position because Monty didn’t read the Tank driving manual and well, he’s kind of screwing things up for us.


The New Orleans Pelicans

P.S. Love the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. We heard that if you tell the ticket booth that you’re in a band, you don’t have to pay admission. We would never do that, though. Too much love for Cleveland.


Dear Phoenix Suns,

You definitely deserve a good draft pick, we’re not arguing that. But if you get the #1 pick isn’t it going to be difficult to decide what to do with it? We had that same problem last year (Anthony Davis or Thomas Robinson? Anthony Davis or John Henson? Anthony Davis or Kendall Marshall?). It gave us a headache! Summers in Arizona are hard enough, you don’t want to be dehydrated while ALSO having a headache. That sounds like the worst. We can help, we have experience with the #1 pick (we ended up going Anthony Davis over Kendall Marshall, by the way) so win a few more games so you decrease your chances of walking out the Draft Lottery with that nagging responsibility. Also, you guys already won the WNBA Draft Lottery! Don’t you think it would be selfish to also win the NBA Draft Lottery? Win a couple more games so we can improve our draft position because Monty is driving our Tank the wrong way. How embarrassing.


The New Orleans Pelicans

P.S. Don’t you guys own Wayne Gretzky? That guy is awesome at hockey!


Dear Sacramento Kings,

We have a soft spot for you with the whole “team relocation” thing so understand this is coming from the heart. It would be nice if you won the lottery, sure, but it would be even nicer if we won it. We feel we are close to putting together the young squad that will compete for a championship in 2015. No offense, but you guys have Marcus Thornton. Also, you’ve been getting high-ish lottery picks every year since 2003 and it’s not your turn anymore. Win a couple more games so we can improve our draft position because Monty doesn’t get how the lottery works and he’s just sitting in the Tank with his arms crossed ranting about how blogs are stupid.


The New Orleans Pelicans

P.S. Just kidding about the Marcus Thornton thing.

Dear Hornets fans,

Just kidding about the Marcus Thornton thing.



Dear Minnesota Timberwolves,

Yeah, it would be sweet revenge if you ended up with the #1 overall pick after that whole Tumblewolves thing we did last year. We didn’t mean it though! We even changed the name of the Twitter account to CP_Come_Home – not because we want CP to come home to New Orleans, but because we felt bad putting a voodoo spell on you. We really do! Also, you guys have Kevin Love and Ricky Rubio and they are probably going to play together on your team for another 25 years. You’re lucky. Don’t be greedy. Win a couple more games so we can improve our draft position because Monty just refuses to get in the Tank and drive. There’s a massive line of cars behind him just laying into their horns.


The New Orleans Pelicans

P.S. Brock Lesnar is from Minnesota, right? He’s definitely going to beat HHH at Wrestlemania this year. There’s NO WAY he’ll lose. HHH is known for putting over guys like Lesnar at events like Wrestlemania. That’ll be cool for you guys!


Dear Washington Wizards,

A top draft pick would sure look nice next to your young backcourt. But in our opinion, so would a #5 or #7 pick. Look, we’ve heard rumors that John Wall and Bradley Beal started a club called the Top 4 club and they’re not really interested in anyone else joining. If you get another top 4 pick John and Bradley are going to be faced with a tough decision and that could rip your locker room apart. Have you ever seen a locker room literally ripped apart? Well, you’d better start imagining it because they would literally destroy everything in there – lockers, water bottles, benches, Alexander Ovechkin’s tuxedos, Emeka Okafor’s yoga mat and Trevor Ariza’s Sega Gamegear. Also, we let your football team beat our football team last season because we wanted to help RGIII get a good start to his pro career. He lived in New Orleans, you know. Win a couple more games so we can improve our draft position because Monty appears to be removing key components of the Tank’s engine so we’re not sure if it’s even operable any more.


The New Orleans Pelicans

P.S. Do you still sell Michael Jordan jerseys?


Dear Oklahoma City Thunder,

What are you guys doing here? You’re supposed to be competing for that top playoff spot. You are not welcome at the Lottery Party, no siree. Not sure who invited you but maybe the invitation got lost in the mail.


The New Orleans Pelicans

P.S. Please forward this to the Toronto Raptors.


Dear Charlotte Bobcats,

Last year some guy named Scoop Jackson wrote a story about how the Hornets should take Michael Kidd-Gilchrist in the draft over Anthony Davis. We all know that was a Desperate Headline, aimed to garner pageviews and well, we’re feeding the troll, aren’t we? How about this for a truce – if we get the first pick again and you get the second pick again, we’ll swap with you. All you need to do is write a rebuttal to Scoop telling him how ridiculous that June 2012 post was. Also, you guys have great new jerseys. Those “Cats” uni’s are fantastic. Here’s a free tip (because we feel a bond with you) – start uploading game clips on YouTube and call them “Cat videos”. Sit back and watch the view count climb. Now that we’ve give you free advice and complimented you, win a couple more games so we can improve our draft position. Because Monty is claiming that the Tank’s tank is empty but we know for a fact that we filled it up a couple of exits ago.


The New Orleans Pelicans

P.S. Do you sell Michael Jordan jerseys?


Dear Orlando Magic,

We feel really bad for you over that whole Dwight Howard thing. If it’s not us who takes home the #1 draft pick we hope it’s you. But you had your time back in ’93-’94 when you won the lottery in back-to-back seasons. We’re kind of hoping some of that Orlando Magic rubs off on us. Sorry. We know you have your eye on Marcus Smart and well, we kind of do too. Also, Ryan Anderson wanted to say hi. Sorry about that too.


The New Orleans Pelicans

P.S. The New Orleans Voodoo beat the Orlando Predators in week 1 of Arena Football. Sorry again.


Dear Los Angeles Lakers,

Please win more games. You missing the playoffs would be kind of hilarious but then if you win the NBA Draft Lottery we just couldn’t handle that. The internet would break. Please win more games.


The New Orleans Pelicans

P.S. Tell Steve Nash that he should wear Karl Malone’s ring-chasing jersey for good luck.



  1. Snow

    April 2, 2013 at 10:39 pm

    I love this article lol

  2. letzmiller

    April 2, 2013 at 11:07 pm

    Awesome article Chris! I have some news that will make you smile. We can root for the Lakers to lose all we want without repercussion. If their pick is a lottery pick, it goes to the Suns!

  3. CoReMeGa

    April 3, 2013 at 12:07 pm

    Awesome article hahahaha… I’m not too worried about tanking though. Last year we won a couple games late and it turned out preeeeetty nice for us!

  4. Dean

    April 6, 2013 at 9:59 pm

    We need that #5 if we want oladipo or porter

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