Tracking the T’Wolves – Sinking to Their Level

Published: March 2, 2012

In this week’s edition of Tracking the T’Wolves, Joe joins Mason to do nothing but bash every Minnesota player for totally unnecessary reasons.

So apparently, absolutely NOTHING we do with this weekly column is working, because the stupid Tumblewolves keep winning games. So you know what? We’re throwing the limited amount of logic that we used in the past to the wind. Joe and I are going to go through the entire T’Wolves’ roster and just talk about why every single player on that miserably average team are such bad people.

Darko's only redeemable NBA skill - winning the opening tip sometimes

Kevin Love – Can you say overrated? Just because someone can score and rebound like just about nobody else in the league doesn’t mean he’s awesome. Fact: Kevin Love couldn’t defend his mom on the pick and roll. Fact: The average southern grandma would own him in a decathalon. Fact: Kevin Love one time farted in homeroom and everyone laughed. Clearly the dude has stinky ass farts. Look at him: his beard is sub-par. As a blog with some actual man-beards, it offends us when we see facial hair resembling that of another variety. Show some respect, Kevin. Some of us were shaving when you were still 11. You want to see a real beard? James. Freaking. Harden.

Now apologize to those of us who you’ve embarrassed by insisting to be a part of the facial hair club.

Michael Beasley – We love you Michael! Now if only your stupid teammates would quit hogging the rock!!! You need to shoot more, or else.

Or else what?

Exactly.

Ricky Rubio – Puppy breath? Maybe if that puppy had eaten a flaming hair-covered turd. Seriously, when you came to Nola you made Bourbon Street smell bad.

No need to joke about this next part– YOU’RE A BASKETBALL PLAYER WHO CAN’T SHOOT A BASKETBALL.

Juan Jose Barea – What makes you think you can have two first names? Do you pay the government extra for them or something? Is that why Minnesota is so grossly overpaying you? Like, 2 million per year, fine, but 4.3 mil? Really? Gotta be 2.15 per first name, right? Anyway, congrats on being the 3rd guard for a .500 team behind some dude from Spain who looks like he’s about to hit puberty and an actual white American NBA player. I know what you’re thinking, and I’m with you – I didn’t know more than one per team could get legitimate playing time either!

Wesley Johnson – Of all the things that could drive Hornets fans away from the team, we all agree that if Wesley Johnson had somehow wound up here, we would boycott the league and gift wrap the team for Seattle. If there was a pickup game and Wesley and David Stern were the only two guys left, and we needed a wingman, there wouldn’t even be a question who we’d take. Hint– his name starts with a D.

Nikola Pekovic – I want to hate you so, so badly, but every time I watch this, I just can’t bring myself to despise you that much. However, every time you take Darko’s awful minutes and turn them into above average minutes, I remember that it’s okay to dislike you. So, do me a favor – the next time you film a “Where in the World is Nikola Pekovic” video, film it in Guam, and never come back.

Listen, Ridnour: Beli WILL bite off your hand.

Luke Ridnour – We won’t waste our time making fun of your play. People can just tune into a Timberwolves game if they want to laugh at you. But it is interesting that you’re from Coeur D’Alene. That adds a whole new element to this…

If your basketballing is any indication of your athletic ability, I (Joe) would give you two a side and you’d still be running home to mommy after the whooping I put on you.

Martell Webster – You’ve been in the league seven years and have never had a PER that even approached average. You know you suck when we don’t even have to make a joke to make fun of you. All we have to do is state facts. Too mean?

Darko Milicic – I know you already have trouble sleeping at night knowing the kind of careers so many of the guys picked after you in the 2003 draft are having, but allow me to rub it in once more. If you weren’t so terrible, maybe you wouldn’t be banished to Minnesota – where it’s winter for 13 months out of the year – while Melo, Wade, and Bosh (you know, the 3 guys drafted right after you) are sitting pretty in either NYC or Miami. I mean for goodness sake, do you think any of them would get asked to do this?

Wayne Ellington – Seriously, how badly do you want to go out for the next game wearing your UNC jersey? You know, like back in the days when you were actually valuable to your team? I’d be a fan of that, because I’m sure it would result in a technical foul or two for your Tumblewolves.

Anthony Tolliver – I don’t even have anything funny to say about you. That depresses me, and makes me want to rip on you even more. Ooooh, I know! Let’s make a list of things higher than your PER:

The price of imported beer at T’Wolves games
Your uniform number… divided by 6. (He wears #44, for a point of reference).
The Hornets’ win total
The Saints’ win total… after week 10

That enough? I don’t think so, but we have bigger fish to fry in this column to waste any more time with you. Maybe one day your efficiency rating will eclipse 7. I know one thing: the Wolves should definitely keep playing you to find out!

Brad Miller – Why aren’t you playing, dude? Six games played, and only averaging seven minutes of playing time in those games? You could be doing so much more to sabotage the team. Get your lazy butt in shape, get back onto the active roster, and start doing what the Hornets are paying you under the table to do: destroy your team’s playoff chances.

Malcolm Lee – Honestly, Malcolm, we’ve never heard of you in our entire lives, and we’re freaking NBA writers. In fact, bro, nobody in New Orleans has heard of you. We just did an informal poll at the bar where we’re writing this, and the consensus is that you’re most likely the guy dressed in a chicken suit outside Popeye’s.

Derrick Williams – Last place for the ROOKIE BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEATCH! You’re like Rabbit from Super Troopers mixed with Farva. Add a side of Pee Wee Herman and Urkel to that mix and we have the complete picture of what the deranged scientists who created you were going for. Oh, also, way to lose the dunk contest to such “elite” competition. Well done. Maybe next time you can attempt a dunk that you can actually get through the net, since that’s the whole point and all.

T’Wolves suck. Peace out!