Hornets Move Quickly to Hire New GM

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Published: July 14, 2010

New Orleans – The New Orleans Hornets announced at a news conference today that they have selected a replacement for Jeff Bower as the new General Manager of the Hornets.

“We wanted a proven winner, a guy with unceasing desire to win.” President Hugh Weber said, “Last year, this candidate displayed remarkable ability to develop young talent, and there is no question he has strong relationships with some of the best talent in the game.”

“In fact, he’s friends with everyone who matters in the league,” Weber finished with a chuckle. 

A moment later, as Chris Paul walked out and took a seat at the table, Hugh Weber rose and clapped for the team’s star Point guard, and then dropped the bomb.  “I’d like to present, Chris Paul, new General Manager of the Hornets.”

Paul spent the next several minutes answering questions from the collected reporters.

“I just felt like this was a good fit for me,” Paul said with his usual big grin. “You see, I saw what Puppetmasta’ – that’s what we all call D-Wade – did in Miami, and it just appealed to me, you know?  I thought, if D-Wade could get all those guys down there to play for less, why couldn’t I?  I mean, sure, he got ‘Bron and Bosh, and Haslem and Miller and all, but I still got guys around the league.  ‘Melo is my boy.  Parker even sleeps at my house when he’s in town.  Oh, and I dunked on Howard once, so I flat out own him.  He’ll have no choice but to come to New Orleans.”

Paul responded quickly when asked if he thought he might need someone to help him with the complex salary cap rules. “There’s no need for that. I got my guys.  C.J. handles my business, and I can always talk to Worldwide Wes and the fella’s at Bron’s agency to advise me with the business side of things.  In fact, they had this great idea the other day.  Each time I sign somebody, we’ll line him up with a bunch of other free agents, you know, D-League hopefuls just hopin’ for that chance, and then I’ll have this rose made out of basketball leather, and I’ll give it to the free agent I was signing.  We’ll call the series ‘The Recruitment’ and film it on an oil platform in the Gulf.  All the money – or at least some of it, I guess – will be donated to BP.  I hear they are doing a bang-up job with that oil leak.”

Hugh Weber shrugged when he was later asked if he’d considered other candidates. “Sure, we thought about basketball guys, but figured this was our best bet in the end.  I mean, this way, if Chris Paul leaves in two years, he’ll be screwing himself.  He’d never let that happen, he just hates losing.  We might have him sit out for a month or two that season, though.  He’ll be trying to destroy himself in the negotations for his new contract, and you know how competitive he is.”

At the end of the conference, Weber did show one sign of worry. When asked by a reporter if he thought there were any GMs in the league who would be better than Paul, he answered with a frown, “I guess there’s a chance Utah could follow suit with Deron.  Paul destroys the rest of the league, but he really struggles against him, you know.”


True Story.  Okay, no it’s not.  It’s satire and completely untrue.  Figured I’d toss some levity into the midst of this rather chaotic burst of news.

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