Dungeons & Hornets: Be Afraid

Published: June 10, 2008

In the past, I've associated the Hornets players to Halo Weapons.  Not long ago, I compared them to American Idol contestants.  Now, in yet another effort to prove my Nerd Cred, I am going to unleash yet one more mind-numbing comparison for you: Hornets Players as Dungeons & Dragons Classes.

That's right.  I am going to go through all eleven of the Base classes of Dungeons and Dragons, and associate a player to them.  Be afraid.  Be Very Afraid.

Barbarian – Tyson Chandler
D&D Barbarians are bruising, energetic warriors who let their emotions fuel their fighting skills.  Their combat skill is not particularly refined, but they get by on sheer aggression and brute force. It seems like a close match to Tyson, who may not be the bulkiest or offensively skilled guy around, but plays with fire, feeds off of the crowd, and will bang and harass the other team mercilessly.  And he's getting that damn ball when it comes off the glass.

Bard – Morris Peterson
"What?" I hear you say.  "Morris Peterson can sing?"  Uh – No clue.  The Bards of D&D definitely do rely on their musical, mystical groove to help their group, serving as a support character for the rest of the people in their party. They are excellent at nothing, but conversely arent bad at anything either. That's Morris.  He's a supporting player for the Hornets, hitting a big shot, throwing out a little defense, grabbing a tough rebound, but he isn't going to be the deciding player out there.

Cleric – Julian Wright
The Clerics of D&D are champions who can call down the might of their gods to aid them on the battlefield. They function as defensive stalwarts for the party, and wield their mystical energy effectively to counter the attacks of their foes.  Julian, of course, is a one-on-one defender of great energy and freakish length who can disrupt most anyone he faces.  And if he slips baseline on you for an alley-oop, or gets free in the open court, you better just get out of the way or he's going to drop the Hammer of God on you.

Druid – Melvin Ely
The Druids of D&D are "one with nature" and protect and channel the powers of the forests and the natural world.  What the hell does that have to do with Melvin Ely?  Not much.  Melvin doesn't make me think of a nature-loving guy who wants to make friends with Bambi.  No – I more equate him with the trees the druids love.  He's tall, nearly immobile, and if you throw the ball into his branches(hands), it's going to be hard to coax it back out again.

Fighter – Bonzi Wells
A D&D Fighter is exactly what it sounds like. A guy who likes to slug it out with the big boys on the front line, hammering at the enemy until victory is achieved.  Perhaps more than anyone else who played for the Hornets this season, Bonzi seemed to relish contact in the post, was ready and willing to deliver hard fouls when he felt it was necessary, and never shied away from the scrum under the basket.

Monk – Hilton Armstrong
D&D Monks are not guys hanging around in brown robes, chanting and self-flagellating or pursuing scholarly knowledge.  Instead, they are the classic Shaolin Monks who are most happy dislocating both your shoulders in the fewest number of moves possible.  The problem with them, game wise, is it's all image with them.  When you actually look at the way the game is built, monks aren't able to focus on combat skills as well as fighters or barbarians, can take much less of a beating, and can't really use any nifty magical weapons, making the damage they can deal less than optimal.  To me, that's Hilton.  He seems impressive:  he's built, can jump out of the gym, and looks like he should run the floor like a greyhound and board with abandon.  Instead, he's not that strong, has a hard time dealing with the pounding he takes in the post, and has limited offensive skills at best.  A shame.  Both could be so much better.

Paladin – Rasual Butler
Paladins are the good champions of the D&D world.  Powerful warriors, they armor themselves heavily and head to battle wielding large weapons.  At the start, they seem quite impressive, but as time goes on and the party gains levels and power, all they get are some lame magical spells that do next to nothing and a few abilities that are only useful in very specific situations.  At this point, that's what Rasual Butler has come to.  When he came to the Hornets, he was a breath of fresh air.  A shooter who could actually hit shots.  An athletic wingman who was happy to mix it up on defense and block shots.  Sadly, as the team has continued to improve, he appears to have been left behind. It makes me sad.  He's always been one of the hard-working good ones.

Ranger – David West
Rangers are modelled after Aragorn from "The Lord of the Rings".  Typically lightly armored and somewhat smaller than their other combat-focused conterparts the Barbarians and Fighters, they are surprisingly tough and skilled in fighting both with a bow and with a blade in each hand.  West, of
course, is comfortable raining buckets from all over the floor, scoring close in and from range with equal impunity.  He also is a little undersized for a big man, but shows suprising toughness on the boards.  A perfect comparison.

Rogue – Jannero Pargo
I almost compared Paul to this class, but instead went with Pargo.  The Rogue is an agile, speedy devil who is comfortable in a myriad of roles, from a highwayman to a skilled burglar to a backstabbing assassin.  Pargo, of course, is probably the quickest player on the team, has a handle that can match Paul's, can pick you clean off the dribble, and when he's hot, he's going to make you bleed.

Sorceror – Peja Stojakovic
Sorcerors are commonly referred to as the "Magical Artillery" of D&D.  Unlike wizards, they know only a few spells, but can cast them over and over and over again.  Typically, they focus on ranged offensive spells so they can unleash a barrage of deadly attacks on their foes – not wanting to get close since they can be easily beaten if forced into hand-to-hand combat.  Could there be a better description of Peja?  Deadly at range, poor at hand-to-hand, Magical Artillery?

Wizard – Chris Paul
This was obvious, really.  The Wizard is the most versatile class in the D&D world.  Masters of dozens of different spells and abilities, they can unleash deadly attacks from distance or use their magic to make them the most intimidating and powerful hand-to-hand fighters around.  Wizards are only limited by their own imagination and willpower, and typically grow to be the most powerful member of their group.  Seems like Paul to me.

Now let's see what kind of comments I get from THIS post.

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