This . . . is American Idol: Buzz Edition

Published: March 11, 2008

I'd like to claim that my wife makes me watch American Idol, but I can't.  I started watching it last season, and have continued this season because it's fun to mock the singers, the judges and host.  Sometimes, there's even been some solid performances.

So last week when the top 12 of American Idol were set, I had a flash of brilliance(?) and decided I would produce a dazzling amalgam of New Orleans Hornets and American Idol.  I would take each contestant of the American Idol show and match them to one of the New Orleans Hornets Roster.  Tremble in fear, because . . .

This . . . is American Idol: Buzz Edition. 

American Idol: Hornets Edition

Hilton Armstrong – Amanda Overmyer
Amanda is the rough-voiced rocker of American Idol.  Throughout the process, she's turned in a few performances that makes me think she might just be able to compete, but there's always some sort of flaw evident, and the stinkbombs she's put up have been really, really bad.   The only thing probably saving her at this point is the Vote for the Worst Crowd that gets people to vote for the worst contestant.  Hilton shows flashes about once every six games, but they rarely even last for an entire game.  In between those flashes, he's terrible.  The only thing keeping him on the team is his height – and his rookie contract.  In both cases, both people seem likeable enough, so I kinda feel bad about not wanting them around, but this is a competition, after all.

Ryan Bowen – Jason Castro
Jason Castro is a Paul Simon-ish style pop singer.  Just like Bowen, before the competition starts, I look at him and wonder what the hell were they thinking when they put this guy out there.  And then they perform and I realize, wow – when they are doing their own style, they're great.

Rasual Butler – Chikezie
Chikezie is the male R&B singer this year.  But like Butler, he's shown he's got enough talent to get to the big dance, and maybe stick around for a few weeks, but he's not going to be long for the competition.  Both guys seem genuine and nice, and while I pull for them to make it, I'm sure as hell not voting for them to stick around.(If I ever voted, which I don't . . . Really! . . . Shut up!)

Tyson Chandler – David Archuleta
David Archuleta is the young phenom of the competition who came roaring out of the gate, earning accolades and the love of the ladies.  Tyson is the young phenom that arrived on the Hornets and started tearing things up to the point people considered him the MVP of the team last year – a sentiment I agreed with.  But now, a little further into their performances, I've begin to wonder if both are just one-trick ponies.  They are good enough to get far, but not all the way to the top, where they once seemed to belong.

Melvin Ely – Brooke White
Brook White strikes me as a fake, always throwing little sad faces and investing every minute she can into being a 'good girl'.  She's full of crap and at best a mediocre singer.  Melvin Ely pretends to be a post scorer and rebounder, but really he's a slow foul machine that turns the ball over every damn time he touches it.  Dump 'em both.

Mike James –  Ramiele Malubay
Ramiele seems to have all the talent you'd need to win Idol.  She can sing, she's cute, and she's surprising when that huge voice comes out of that tiny package, but I've never seen her put it all together into a great performance.  Mike James can shoot.  He can dribble.  He can drive.  He can pass.  He can play defense.  He's tiny.  For whatever reason though, it's not coming together into a great performance.

Jannero Pargo – Syesha Mercado
The forgotten players.  People are always surprised when Jannero rolls into a game on fire, burning the other team for twenty points in twenty minutes of energetic play.  And I always forget about Syesha, and then she comes out some nights on fire, and her smooth R&B makes me realize just how damn good she can be when she's on.

Morris Peterson – David Cook
Cook is the male rocker of the group.  Too bad he's desperately trying to hide his thinning hair, his singing is only sometimes on point, and his guitar-playing skills are beyond pathetic.  He's only been decent once – when he picked a song he could be all melodramatic with.  As much as I like Morris, he has a hard time getting it rolling, and only seems to shine in the perfect situation.

Peja Stojakovic – Carly Smithson
Carly almost seems to be out of place on the show. She's professional, steady and has a voice that will tear the roof off, but nothing about her look or personality screams "American Idol".  She seems like the old lady on the show, despite being 24. Peja is steady, professional, and has a scoring touch that can scorch the nets, but he's a grizzled european veteran, and though the team clearly likes him, everything you hear and see shows he isn't hanging with them after the game.  And he actually is the old man in the group.

Bonzi Wells – David Hernandez
Both of these guys clearly have talentl.  Bonzi's abilities have never been questioned, but his character has been in doubt every place he's gone.  David Hernandez can belt out songs like a master, but rumors abound that he's a bi-sexual stripper.  Hmmm.

David West – Michael Johns
The ultimate dirty work duo.  Michael Johns comes out every week, produces a well done rock song, impresses some people and then quietly leaves the stage.  Everyone likes him, everyone expects him to get into the top 6, but his ceiling isn't much higher than that.  David West will come out on the court, produce his near-double double, perform like a borderline all-star, and then go his way.  Everyone likes him, but most people don't expect him to get much better than this.

Julian Wright – Kristy Lee Cook
Kristy Lee Cook is smoking hot.  Easily the best looking contestant they've had on the show in the last few years, she's athletic, with long lines, young, and with talent that is just starting to emerge.  Julian is long, athletic, young, and with the same sort of unbelievable talent.  And like when Kristy comes out, I sit up and pay attention when he enters the game.  But . . for entirely different reasons.  Really.  Shut up!

Bonus Idols

Byron Scott – Simon Cowell
Both say exactly what they mean, damnit.  And who gives a damn what you think about it?

George Shinn – Paula Abdul
Mostly well-meaning people, but sometimes as they babble on and stick their foot in their mouths, you just want them to shut the hell up.

Jeff Bower – Nigel Lythgoe
Nigel is the producer of two hit shows – American Idol and So You Think You Can Dance?.  A pair of monsters.  Bower has produced the Hornets monster.  Masters of their crafts.

So here we are at the end – for those of you who managed to get this far.  You'll notice that neither Chris shows up on the list: Paul or Andersen.  Why?  Because we have 14 players and only 12 American Idol contestents.  Andersen has yet to play for the Hornets, so he's out, and Paul's out because . . . well . . . *sniff* . . . he already is my Idol.

Now excuse me while I go worship at my CP3 shrine.

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