Trew 2 the Game #6: Summertime at Pelican High

Published: August 6, 2013

It’s like a school teacher is looking forward to relaxing in the Summertime because class is no longer in session. They plan a family vacation, stack up a couple novels and watch movies while the sun is still out. The teachers at Pelican High, however, are dealing with brand new uniforms, that teacher who was supposed to be really good six years ago who may or may not transfer here and stressing out over the first day of the upcoming school year because what if that family vacation keeps you from being in the building the first time that new bell rings? And oh yeah, the dance team too. This fictional high school is holding dance team tryouts during the Summer for some reason.

There’s a strong chance that we’re all a little scarred from the photo above. It’s not that we don’t love Jason Smith (duh, we do). It’s not that we aren’t open minded (we’re sports fans reading a sports website so, duh, we are). Well. It’s just that. Okay, I’l say it. Jason Smith might have been the worst person to bring out first for the jersey reveal. He’s just too big and the font is just too small and so here comes Jason Smith (just being himself, he can’t help it) and you can feel the city of New Orleans thinking, “…wait. The words ‘New’ and ‘Orleans’ are so small.” Here’s what I would have done:

Put Jason Smith on the microphone doing some playful fashion show-style color commentary. He’s well spoken and he’s our team captain. What you don’t know is that he’s wearing the warmup gear underneath his Rubenstein’s suit. First person out is Jrue Holiday – the jersey looks best on him by far and if we’re talking about merchandise sales more people that are Jrue’s size will be in the market for buying these things than any other player. Following Jrue is Ryan Anderson, carrying a balled up laundry bag. He squares up to shoot and he throws the laundry bag towards the crowd, landing on the lap of one of those Summer Camp kids. Inside the bag is a kid-sized jersey. The kid puts it on then runs towards a basket set up on stage. Jrue Holiday passes him the ball. Out comes Anthony Davis to block the kids shot but instead he picks him up and the kid dunks. Crowd goes wild. Everyone loves the jerseys. Millions are sold. Jason Smith rips off his suit revealing the warmups. Millions.

By the way, I’m calling out Bleacher Report for this post containing a “Rate the Pelicans’ New Uniform Design” poll that didn’t even have an option remotely close to “I like it”.

[polldaddy poll=7302912]

See? Nobody likes sandwiches.

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Sean Kelly tweeted that today is like “Christmas in August” for NBA fans and media members. Here’s my wish list for the schedule:

from NBA.com

– We open at home against the Charlotte Bobcats. Then we play them at home again after a days rest. Then we’re visited by Phoenix, Philadelphia and Orlando. Then we go on a road trip where we play Charlotte, Phoenix, Philadelphia and Orlando. After a “brutal” back-to-back against Toronto and then Toronto again, the Pelicans are 11-0. As we lounge atop every Power Ranking There Is on the internet, we are thankful for the softball schedule the NBA lobbed to us. The team gels and never looks back.

– Christmas Day game at home against the Los Angeles Clippers. Blake Griffin registers a DNP – SOJS (Did Not Play – Scared of Jason Smith)

– Opening Night is either October 30th or October 31st. This will ensure a record high number of Pelicans as Halloween costumes. It also ensures the team isn’t competing with Voodoo Fest the first time it takes the court in it’s brand new digs. Maybe Eddie Vedder can adopt the Pels.

– Home games for April 4th and 8th. This will keep the Pelicans in town over Wrestlemania weekend and I really want to get a picture of Tyreke Evans and Stone Cold Steve Austin. Or Jason Smith and Mark Henry. Or Anthony Davis and Daniel Bryan. Or Austin Rivers and Dolph Ziggler. You get my point.

– Anyone besides Dallas for the last game of the year. Because isn’t that always what happens?

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In honor of Shark Week, here’s a Pelican Shark Fish (which isn’t real) and now here’s something very real.

Chris Trew is a local comedian who writes weekly for Bourbon Street Shots. Watch him perform at the home for Nola Comedy, The New Movement, this Friday at 10:30p. He’s also performing this Saturday night at One Eyed Jacks in the French Quarter. Follow Trew2theGame on Twitter here. Look for this column every Tuesday right here on Bourbon Street Shots.